No Competition Here
by carved in the sand
Summary: You think your man has anything on mine? Crack/Multipairings


"Are all of you fucking stupid?" Temari snapped. "Are you missing some vital parts in your brain?"

"You're the one missing something in the head if you think Shikamaru is the hottest guy in Konoha!" Ino shrieked, pointing a sharp fingernail at the other blonde. "Do you know how long I was on a team with him? How do you look at that nasty little face and see _anything_ even remotely attractive?"

"I agree," Sakura said with a little shrug. "He's kind of got this bored look on his face all the time."

"And what do you think is hot, Sakura? International criminals?" Temari shot.

"HE ISN'T AN INTERNATIONAL CRIMINAL ANY MORE YOU _SKANK_."

Hinata sighed, scratching the back of her head and wondering why her friends were so violent. She put a hand on Sakura's bare shoulder and murmured for her to calm down. Tenten just smirked and watched Sakura's face turn a frightening shade of purple.

The five kunoichi were holed up in the women's bath house for the night, talking and reminiscing. Ino had the next week off from Interrogation Unit work, Sakura had decided to take a late shift tomorrow for hospital work, Tenten was on ANBU leave, Hinata didn't have any clan meetings for the next month, and Temari was back in Konoha for a while on ambassador work with the Hokage.

They'd spent the afternoon together, going to a nice restaurant, catching a film, and then deciding to hit an onsen and rent out the space for the night.

But their conversation had quickly deteriorated when Ino brought up that Kiba was probably the most attractive guy in Konoha.

"Who even cares? He's literally banned from entering three countries! And don't even get me started on how the Raikage feels about him and being within fifty miles of Lightning territory!" Temari huffed. She crossed her arms over her chest and tilted her chin away. "I could never find a man who isn't respected around the world attractive."

"Excuse you!" Sakura shrieked, splashing some water angrily and shifting away from Hinata's grasp on her shoulder. "Saying his name in any shinobi village makes grown men wet their pants! And not to mention he's a war hero! That's respectable! And _his jawline_."

"Do you know how long it took Sasuke to even get that?" Ino snapped. "Kiba's had a hot jawline since we were fourteen. I am _so_ not impressed."

"And his Rinnegan is super creepy looking."

"But his eye patch!" Sakura shouted, whipping her head frantically, frustrated and confused at not knowing to who glare at first. "His eye patch is so hot! How can you even deny that!?"

"You're all idiots, alright? Neji is obviously the hottest," Tenten said, throwing up both hands when the three other women snarled at her. "Look - not _only_ is he a war hero that saved Naruto's ass, but he could give up being a ninja for male underwear modeling. He is an excellent shinobi, and was a jonin years before any of us. And his hair make's Ino's look like cheap extensions. He has no competition."

"FUCK OFF," Ino shrieked, shoving the brunette in the water. She only smirked and pulled her hair away from her shoulders. "I USE THEM ONE TIME FOR A DATE. ONE TIME."

"Well if you had clipped them in proooooperlyyyyy, there wouldn't have been a proooobleeeeem," Tenten sing-songed back. Ino growled menacingly, flipping her off.

"Shikamaru is much smarter than Neji. And Kiba's a plain idiot. I'm not impressed," Temari drawled.

"Sasuke's smart too, and could kick all of their asses in a fight!" Sakura defended, before a sickly smile pulled at her lips. "_At once_."

"You lying bitch! Stop talking shit!" Ino snapped, splashing water in her direction. "Kiba's just as fast as Sasuke is!"

"Oh, but does he know as much ninjutsu?" Sakura replied, cocking a brow.

"If you gave him fucking normal human eyes, he wouldn't be anything special," Temari answered. "A brat who can throw fire around? No biggie. Not _a tactical genius that saved the fucking world? _Like_ Shikamaru? _Yeah, that's hot."

"Okay okay okay Sasuke, Naruto and I saved the world!" Sakura clarified, holding up her hands in front of Temari. "While you guys were asleep in Tsukiyomi, me and my man were busting ass against the the freaking Mother of Chakra! So slow - your - _roll!_"

"So you wanna pretend like mobilizing an entire army of troops isn't something? As if! Anyone can toss around jutsu!"

"Like I can toss you around?" Sakura snapped, raising a green-glowing fist in Temari's face, who was snarling and raising her arms for hand seals. "You wanna go, blondie?"

Hinata sighed, stepping in between her two friends and giving them a sharp frown. "You two are being ridiculous," she said quietly. The room seemed to seemed so simmer down at her words. Her pale eyes trailed over to Ino and Tenten with reprimanding intent. "It's ridiculous to fight over these kinds of things - especially men whom we all respect and love. There's not going to be one clear winner in the first place when we're all biased."

"Are you just saying that because you think Naruto isn't the hottest guy in the village?" Ino challenged.

Hinata rolled her eyes, adjusting the hair tied at the top of her head and frowning down at the warm water. "Naruto is the Hokage, the most respected man in the Fire Country. He's loyal, and kind, and clever, and saved Konoha and the world several times. And you can ask any woman in the village how gorgeous he is. In my book, Naruto is perfect."

Everyone went quiet for a minute to absob the adorability that was Hyuuga Hinata and Uzumaki Naruto being _a thing_ before Sakura shook her head. "This isn't how we're gonna settle anything."

"I have a better way, actually. Fool proof. Does a hot guy really count as hot if he can't handle himself in bed?" Tenten challenged, looking around at her friends. "Hinata, what the hottest thing Naruto's done?"

Hinata huffed, crossing her arms and closing her eyes as her cheeks stained red. "We had sex in his office chair," she declared proudly.

It was only quiet for a second before they all started screaming.

"Are you kidding me!?" Sakura said aloud. "The window in the Hokage's office is _huge_!"

"Genjutsu," Hinata said with a shrug. Sakura gaped, putting a hand over her mouth. What kind of high-level genjutsu did they have to cast to keep from people just casually looking up into the Hokage's office?

"I knew it! Kiba said he smelled sex in Naruto's office last month but he didn't know why!" Ino shouted, smacking Hinata on the shoulder. "Oh my god, Hinata! I'm never going to be able to walk in that room with a straight face again!"

"Hinata wins," Tenten declared. "Who agrees?"

"Me! God, Sasuke would shit a brick if I even _suggested_ something like that."

"Same. Kiba would be too paranoid to get into it."

"I do too. Shikamaru would be too scared to even _think_ about doing that in Gaara's office," Temari said, smirking appreciatively at Hinata.

The dark haired woman shrugged. "Oh well. It was my idea anyway."

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The five of them were quiet for several minutes as the voices died down before they all turned to stare at Naruto. No one had their head pressed against the wooden walls anymore. Sasuke looked like he was in physical pain, Kiba look like he wanted to burn Naruto's corpse on a funeral pyre, Neji looked vicious, and Shikamaru just looked embarrassed.

"I am going to murder you slowly," Kiba hissed, his eyes wild and furious. He stood from his crouch on the floor, making Naruto scramble into a stand as well. Shikamaru sighed loudly as the brunette stalked forward menacingly. "And hide your body under my bed so I can smell your corpse rotting with satisfaction every day I wake up."

"You heard her! It was her idea anyway!" Naruto whisper-shouted.

"Kiba won't," Neji replied succintly. "I'll just blast all your organs_ to bits_ and be done with it."

The five of them had all seen their girlfriends crowded together, talking loudly at a restaurant while Sasuke and Shikamaru were passing by to head to the training grounds. Bells went off in the Nara's head, and they immediately went into reconnaissance mode. From following the group of off guard kunoichi, they'd picked up Neji, who was wondering why they were blatantly stalking, Kiba, who was looking for Ino in the first place, and Naruto, who was trying desperately to avoid paperwork for the day.

It hadn't ended well for anyone's ego.

"You _corrupted_ my cousin," Neji snapped back, aiming a swift punch at Naruto's head, which was dodged.

"You _corrupted_ my best friend," Kiba hissed in following, jamming his elbow into the blonde's stomach - which _wasn't_ dodged.

"Goddamnit- don't hit the Hokage, you shit face! You're all just bitter that you guys are fucking lame in bed," Naruto snapped, stumbling from the hit before righting himself. Shikamaru and Neji immediately shifted their expressions into rage.

"Talk all the shit you want, dead last. It won't mean anything," Sasuke retorted through a snort. The pained expression left his place, replaced by derision and distinct bitterness. "Do you want me to remind everyone of when you asked Sakura about menstruating cycles and she had to give you an entire lesson on female anatomy?"

"Well I guess it worked. Maybe you guys should take the course too," Naruto snapped, brisquely walking away from the group of angry shinobi. "And _Hinata topped_! More than once!"

"I'M GOING TO FUCKING _MURDER_-!"

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**A/N:** _I don't know what the fuck this is but it was funny. Leave a review! And your opinion on who's the hottest shinobi in Konoha omg. Be as biased as you please._


End file.
